It really is for the best. I almost cry writing this though. However, I do feel like part of the reason I cry is because I can imagine that just about everyone I know will think that it was the wrong decision and that I am a bad mother. But then I tell myself that I have to stop worrying so much about what other people think.
Here it is:
I'm going back to full-time.
Chuck and I have been considering it for a while now but I never could make the decision to do it. I wanted to at least wait until summer was over. Unfortunately that wasnt up to me. Last Friday my boss came up to me and told me to let her know within the next 5 minutes whether I wanted full time. Literally. You see, the budget gets passed by Congress and then the money is carefully dispersed and trickled all the way down the pipelines to our office. The decisions are trickled down too. So in some place far far away they decide to offer full-time to part-time employees in certain districts. Generally, all those employees want full-time. But they have to take it right then and there or it gets passed on to another district, or piled up to create a whole new position. They only offer the choice every so often, when they have money. So I had to take it now or never.
And here's why I chose to take it:
Reason #1: I love having my Wednesday's with the kids. I can relax a little bit too. The problem is, one day in the middle of the week doesn't do much for routine. Sometimes we go to the park, sometimes we go play with friends, sometimes Daddy is home too, sometimes we watch too much TV, sometimes we make a craft (okay, not that often because I'm just too busy to plan it), sometimes we go grocery shopping, sometimes we do nothing while Mommy cleans all day. I haven't been able to establish anything concrete (besides going to the donut shop - bad!) because Wednesdays have become that catch-all day. It's like the dining room table - nothing belongs in that space, so anything and everything ends up there - and it's a mess.
Reason #2: I know it's taboo, but I have to address it. I make good money, and one day a week really adds up. If I wasn't making good money, then it would be a no-brainer - heck, I'd quit and start that photography business. I would just love to get laid off - I know that is really insensitive to say because so many people are getting laid off and it just ruins them, so I'm sorry if that offends anyone, but I am just being honest. I would love to be laid off and then I would have no excuse and no regrets. I could start my own photography business because I would HAVE to - and I would find out just how lucrative the business can be while setting my own hours and having fun. Unfortunately (for my dreams), I have to take the safe road and feel blessed to have a good job that pays the bills and provides health insurance. I also have to plan for our future when Chuck finishes his residency and we need seed money to start his business and put a down-payment on a house and start paying off his loans.
Reason #3: Even though I am going to be full-time I will still be able to spend time with the kids now. We are going to be closer to the kids daycare after we move this week which means that Chuck can actually take the kids to daycare or pick them up most days. That means I can go to work earlier and work eight and a half or nine hours a day and build up "credit hours" that I can use as vacation. I will also be building up more regular vacation pay when I am full time. In all honesty, I could easily take 2 or 3 days off a month (as opposed to the four I get working part-time)to spend with the kids.
Reason #4: Even though I am just working four days a week right now I am still given the same workload as before, except that I am not interviewing on that fifth day. Keeping up with that workload has been very stressful. I also had to mentor a trainee (which has since been changed because we lost another worker) and I was not able to get to my work. I have actually been pretty good at not taking this home with me, but when I am at work I am not happy because of the build-up of work. I don't expect this to be solved by going full-time because everyone has been overwhelmed with all of the work. With my extra day a week though, that will help our office in some ways which makes work for me as well as my coworkers more bearable.
Now, all this said, I will also say that even though it does make sense it still tears me up. And very honestly, I will say that I do fear being judged by others as being greedy or not caring about my kids enough to stay home with them - I know some people have those thoughts because I read it on their blogs, or comments on their blogs. It tears me up to think that I am doing the wrong thing by my kids and it only makes things worse when I think of other moms "sacrificing" to stay home with their kids. Believe me, it is just as much of a sacrifice for me not to stay home.
Here are what my kids get by me not staying home:
1. Routine, as I mentioned earlier
2. Social interaction - this is really important to me. I was raised in the country and my mom stayed home with me, which was great. But one thing I did lack was that social interaction - maybe why I'm not the best at it these days!
3. My children have no problems leaving me. Most of the time. But that doesnt mean they aren't super happy to see me when I come back - and they always know I'll be back.
4. They've built up quite an immune system.
5. They can see a doctor whenever they need to. I can feed them, and they have a nice place to live - very important as we have lived in some not-so-nice places (the suspected drug-dealing-3x-drive-by-shooting house in Zion IL to be exact).
6. We don't get tired of each other. Even just one day a week - those Wednesdays that I had - I would honestly be fed up with Jonathan by the end of the day. He generally would fight taking a nap and then he would be cranky the rest of the day. Again, the lack of routine made it hard to enforce a naptime. When you work full-time you cherish each moment you have with your kids - no matter how naughty they are.
I could go on, really, but I wont. All this said, I do want to say as well that if I had my choice I would be a stay-at-home mom. I think - I have never been one, so I couldn't guarantee it. But, the harsh reality is I HAVE to work - bottom line. I have been through it so many ways - what could we cut out, how could we save, this that and the other. I have to work. And while I have to work, I might as well make the best of it.
So that was Summer…
10 years ago
