Out of the closet

Boy it's been a long time since I've posted anything. Over a year. I was trying to find out how to search blogs to no avail. But I did look back at the pictures I posted here and realize what a bad mom I've been not to keep up with this. I have been so busy with my business that I have neglected taking pictures of and writing about my own kids except for the occasional facebook update. The truth is, I've had a lot on my plate, both with the business and with the kids...mostly Jonathan. He started school last August and with that new beginning has come a lot of pain and heartache. Not because I feel like I've lost my baby, but because some things have been brought to light. In the first few weeks of school Jonathan was having difficulty paying attention in class. In the teacher's words, he was "in his own little world", "played around the other kids instead of with him", had "trouble conveying his emotions." Offended and scared by these words, we decided to have Jonathan tested psychologically. We were having trouble with him at home not following directions, talking back and saying hateful things, punishing him was so difficult, he had difficulty sleeping since he was two, and many other oddities. After three days of testing with a child psychologist we were told that Jonathan is on the autism spectrum. He has a very mild form of autism, and honestly he must just seem like a spoiled bratty kid to most onlookers. He continues to struggle in school with social situations mostly. After the diagnosis we were sent on our merry way with no instructions. Apparently our school has one of the best autism specialists in the state. We have yet to meet her, so I dont know what good that does us! He is constantly getting "sad faces" at school, which I have almost become numb to. Today was the worst...probably why I have decided to share about it. I dont think anyone really follows my blog (who would, it hasnt been touched in over a year!), except maybe some people who I dont mind sharing this with. We havent really decided to come out of the closet with it yet because we haven't completely accepted. I dont want Jonathan to be stuck with a stigma that may prove to be caused by a false alarm. But I am getting so tired of the looks that I get, and the thoughts I know friends and strangers are thinking. I have beat myself up for so long, privately, because I cant control Jonathan. He is not well-behaved and many times difficult to be around. Though he has really good days that encourage me, many days are laced with bad moments that discourage me. Like today.